wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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