So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
