Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
