You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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