Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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