a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
