i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize