I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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