fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
