Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We need to get me chipped asap
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
