based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
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I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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