They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
