8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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