haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
