I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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