I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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