I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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