I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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