in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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