I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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