god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
