I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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