Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
