Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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