bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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