The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
