smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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