Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
