My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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