I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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