i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I want to be your penis for a week.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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