I feel like I'm in dance class right now
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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