It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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