Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
