omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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