when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
