I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
