god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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