you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
