was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Randomize
