I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
