I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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