I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
