i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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