threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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