New invention idea: vibrating tampons
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
