I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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