Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I have aggressive nipples.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
