Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
