forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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