I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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