And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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