White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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