She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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