I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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