the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
