All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
