so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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