dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
