i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
no, he came in my armpit
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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