I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
